Researchers at Harvard have figured out something about parents that we ourselves might not know or else not be willing to admit: While most of us say we highly value instilling moral concepts like kindness toward others and a sense of fairness in our children, in action and deed it appears we often put the conflicting values of personal happiness and achievement first. And it’s impacting the values our kids adopt.
A report called The Children We Mean to Raise from the Harvard Graduate School of Education found that about 80 percent of youth surveyed reported that their parents are more concerned about achievement or happiness than caring for others. Youth were also three times more likely to agree than disagree with this statement: “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”
And, researchers say, kids are shaping their own values based on their perceptions of us, their parents: When asked to rank what was most important to them: “caring for others,” “achieving at a high level,” or “being a happy person (feeling good most of the time),” only 22 percent of students picked caring as their top value. Forty-eight percent chose achievement, and 30 percent selected happiness first.
The data and insights, part of an effort called the Making Caring Common Project, are based in part on a survey of 10,000 middle and high school students from 33 schools representing diverse youth from across the nation, as well as gleaned from associated research and a decade of interviews with students, parents and teachers.
“To some degree we are all born with a certain degree of empathy. But in other ways it’s like learning an instrument or a sport: If you practice and have guidance from adults, you can get better as you go.”
According to a 2012 study, 96 percent of parents surveyed viewed developing moral character in children as “very important, if not essential” and highly valued their children “being honest, loving, and reliable.” Another cited study shows that parents across race and ethnic groups value caring or “benevolence” more than both achievement and power.
But, the report states, parents are drowning out our own messages about showing concern for others with our more urgent, louder messages about achievement and happiness.
The research might seem to some to be a bit of a downer — like we need more things to feel bad about as modern parents? — but take heart: Parents and kids do care about kindness and fairness, said Rick Weissbourd, lead researcher and co-director of the Making Caring Common project.
“We have a lot of great kids out there. Many kids and adults care about caring. But it’s subordinated. I’ve been talking about this stuff to parents for a lot of years now and I’m always struck by, although no one disagrees with me, everybody thinks it’s someone else, it’s not them. But it’s all of us.”
How does the research translate to a regular tween’s or teen’s life?
- If students didn’t prioritize caring and they didn’t think their parents did, then they scored low on an empathy scale.
- Students who placed a low priority on caring in relation to achievement and happiness were less likely to say they would volunteer on a Saturday to help at a school event.
- Youth who believed their parents placed a low value on caring were less likely to say they would tutor a friend.
So exactly how are we faking our kids out? Stay tuned for Part 2 on June 29. This story originally was originally published by ParentMap.
By Natalie Singer-Velush
In between school drop-offs and coffee binges, Natalie is ParentMap’s Managing Editor. Follow her! In her former life Natalie wrote for newspapers and once pumped milk in the bathroom of the King County Superior Courthouse while covering a murder trial. Natalie is Canadienne via California and now lives in Seattle with her husband and two school-aged daughters. She likes cool sheets, cupcakes, tall men and obedient children.
Photo by Jennifer.
