Character is one’s only real possession. Rabbi Israel Salanter
In my work, there is a lot of conversation about goals in raising children and what people want their family to be like. Most of us want children who are happy, successful, and good people…but what does this mean? Each person and family defines it differently, but universal themes come up. In fact, there is an exciting body of interdisciplinary research on this topic – across education, psychology, neurology and sociology. Words like character, grit, virtues and integrity come up. In the Jewish community, people talk about living with middot/ethical traits in balance and being a mensch, literally, a good human being. And on September 18, the folks who brought us The Science of Character will premier their new film, The Making of a Mensch.
We’ve been talking about the topic of character and agree there is no single, perfect list to guide parents. Each framework has words you might or might not pick. You might organize the qualities differently; you might include other things. But I like these charts because they get us thinking and discussing what is important to us – as parents, leaders and friends. We can reflect on which values we consider primary and how we operationalize big concepts like generosity, humility, and even, transcendence.
We grapple with these topics in our work at JFS, just as families do. There are ethical dilemmas, and it’s sometimes difficult to choose a plan of action which works in the short term and supports your family’s values long term. But it’s always worth the time and effort. As author Robert Coles explains, “the unfolding events of the day and the week turn out to be the really powerful and persuasive times, morally.” Remember, raising children is an 18 year journey. It’s not done all at once. And relationships among family and friends, elders and youth, are continually built, not based on any one action or moment.
- So, how would you describe your character?
- Which middah/trait do you need to grow and expand?
- And how will you use your character strengths to help others and improve our world?
By Marjorie Schnyder
Marjorie Schnyder, LICSW, has been at JFS over 11 years as Director of Family Life Education. As well as providing education to teachers and parents, she has a child and family therapy background. Special interests include early childhood and the intersection of culture and family. To learn what JFS has in store for parents this fall, check out our calendar.
