I’m never going to find love. I’m not smart enough to apply for college, so why should I even bother? I don’t take care of my family like I should – every other mother out there is better than me. I should put this cheeseburger down, I’m already too fat.
Abusive and shaming self-talk is an epidemic. It’s rare to meet someone whose self-talk is compassionate and kind. This lack of self-acceptance is painful and disabling for many of us. But what can we do about it?
So many of us subject ourselves to a ceaseless onslaught of cruel evaluation and judgment from inside our own minds, but we are oblivious to this; it’s like Muzak, happening just barely out of consciousness. Some of us operate under a belief that we are doing ourselves a favor by treating ourselves this way. When I propose softening this self-talk, people tend to balk at the idea. They fear that being “too soft” on themselves would result in not “getting anything done.” The belief is that, without a violent overseer, we would erode into undisciplined beings.
Is that true? Do you feel motivated to do your best work when you are scrutinized and put down by your partner, boss or parent? Do you feel compelled to be more vulnerable and engaged in the world when you hear a constant barrage of reasons why you are failing? I know I don’t. I feel motivated to engage in my life when I feel welcomed, accepted and loved. I suspect it is this way for most of us. And who better to provide those sentiments to me than me?
We often fail to notice when we treat ourselves with cruel disdain. Instead, we unconsciously absorb these messages. Then we try to work a little harder, eat a little less, always striving to reach some imagined “perfect” version of ourselves, believing that if we achieve this, the barrage will finally stop.
Only it doesn’t. No matter how much we achieve, or how much we escape, the abuse continues. It finds new targets of its venom and continues its attack. Or, if it eases up for a moment, the fear of its return keeps us from stopping to rest or take a breath, lest we be subjected to its onslaught once again.
When we become aware of the tendency to self-abuse, we learn that we can make a different choice. We can begin to practice using words of compassion and kindness with ourselves, just as we would with a dear friend or loved one. This shift takes a willingness to try – are you willing?
Written by Laura Kramer
Laura Kramer is an Addiction and Mental Health Counselor at Jewish Family Service. She holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology from Antioch University in Seattle. Her specialties of study include trauma therapy and addiction counseling.
