I’ve been thinking about the challenge of engaging people in difficult conversations, both inside and outside the therapy office. In many ways, the therapy office is a laboratory where we can practice skills before taking them into “real life.” When difficult topics arise outside of the clinical office, we rarely have the time to pause, notice our needs and feelings, consider the mood of the other and carefully select our words.
To help focus on more effective, compassionate communication, I’ve been exploring the principles of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). NVC is built on the philosophy that we have universal human needs and that everything we do is an attempt to meet a need. It posits that productive and healthful communication is always possible. Communication breaks down when we lose compassion for ourselves and each other and resort to defensive postures as attempts to meet our needs. NVC offers a formula to engage with another person in a way that can increase empathy and reduce conflict.
NVC is a complex philosophy and spiritual practice. The following list of basic concepts is a very brief introduction to this approach.
- Observation vs Judgment: Focus only on the facts, not on our evaluation of what has happened. When we evaluate and interpret an event, it often puts the other person on the defensive, closing down communication.
“If when I am speaking to John, he looks down as his phone, I would not say, “Hey stop ignoring me!” which is an interpretation. Instead I would say, “When you looked at your phone while I was talking…”
- Feelings: Becoming aware of and naming our emotions, free from story, allows us to honestly know our experience. When we become vulnerable, it creates space for connection and promotes communication. When we take the time to notice, locate and identify our feelings, we empower ourselves to step out of automatic reactivity and make room for more skillful engagement.
“When you looked at your phone while I was talking, I felt hurt and frustrated.”
- Need: NVC believes there are universal human needs which are distinct from the strategies we employ to meet those needs. Using misguided strategies to meet unmet needs can create conflict. A great needs reference can be found here.
“When you looked at your phone while I was talking, I felt hurt and frustrated because my need for connection and respect was not met.”
- Request: In NVC, we do not stop when we have observed what is happening, become aware of our thoughts and identified a need. We then have to make a request. We do not demand, and we do not manipulate. Requests are clear, action-oriented, focused on the present moment and stated in such a way that the receiver can say no. We state the request using the phrase, “Would you be willing…” so that the person is given full permission to decline. Vague requests about the ambiguous future are difficult to comply with and do not move the issue along a continuum toward resolution. So the formula would look like this:
“When you looked at your phone while I was talking, I felt hurt and frustrated because my need for connection and respect was not met. Would you be willing to refrain from looking at your phone while we are talking right now?”
Learn more:
What We Say Matters: Practicing Nonviolent Communication by Judith Hanson Lasater Ph.D., Ike K. Lasater
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD (Author), Deepak Chopra (Foreword)
By Laura Kramer
Laura Kramer is an Addiction and Mental Health Counselor at Jewish Family Service. She holds a Master’s Degree in Psychology from Antioch University in Seattle. Her specialties of study include trauma therapy and addiction counseling.
Feature photo by Paul Shanks.
